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02 January 2014 @ 09:21 pm
I miss the person who I was in 2012. I was the girl who could write a killer essay, who could state her opinion, who got A's with ease. I was the girl who liked books, the girl who listened to hours of Radiolab, the girl who toyed around in Photoshop for hours on end. I was someone who was determined and strong. I was confident.

2013 was the year I lost who I was. I came back from the Page Program and tried to fit back into what I knew as normalcy. The hallways of high school blended together, the teachers drawled on, and the same kids were there. Nothing had changed. However, I felt that I never came back to where I left off the end of sophomore year. My relationship with my best friend changed - she didn't need me as much as I needed her. My friends lived other lives without me, ones that they had adjusted to with my absence. I always felt like the annoying addition that needed to be stuck on a team during knowledge bowl. When I joined band again, I took my place as last chair for months until my audition. I didn't matter and I wasn't important to any social construct whatsoever. It was the semester of silence, while inside my thoughts screamed at each other.

I let the boisterous, loud, pessimistic side of me take over. Pessimism trickled over me, telling me I wasn't good enough. I wasn't smart enough. I watched my grades slip, blemishing my once perfect report card. I wasn't a good enough friend. I couldn't keep any stable relationship without feeling like a stuffed animal that a kid takes out every so often. Anxiety crept over, paralyzing me. Even as I type this blogpost, my mind races between "not good enough, must redo, what about this word choice, why did you even write this". I spent 5 months writing my college essays, not knowing what to say because I was stressed out about every single word. I became a potato in my bed, too anxious to do anything else. In 2013, I became a nervous wreck.

I like the person who I was in 2012. I'm not sure if I can return to do that, but I want to.
01 January 2014 @ 11:19 pm
Throughout my schoolyears, being the Class of 2014 didn't have any meaning. It was the unfeasible number, the number didn't come. As I chugged on through the hell of high school in rural Minnesota, 2014 was the number I dreamed of.

It is January 1st, 2014. The year I get out of high school. The year I leave Fairmont. The year I go to college. The year of torn off endings and fresh beginnings.

Cliché as it is, this is my year.
02 September 2013 @ 03:16 pm
So, senior year starts tomorrow. I'm elated that it's my last final year in the hellhole called Fairmont High School. For some reason, I still have the first day jitters. At this point, I feel like I should be over with that silliness that is the first day of school. Nothing's different - same people, same school, same nasty lunch. I always come with the expectation that each year will be different. Maybe everyone is going to be nice to each other. Maybe I'll make new friends! Maybe I'll feel like I fit in. Then I get to school with these expectations and they're crushed with the yelling and scattering and immaturity. But hey, maybe these expectations will come true, you never know.

Last night's shower gave me a revelation: I am a very much different person now than I was 3 years ago, when I was going to be a freshman. Heck, I'm even a different person than I was a year ago. I definitely care less than I did a few years ago. I used to cower at seeing people from my school in public, and now I don't care what they think. I am who I am, and I do what I want. As do you, so shall we have the same respect for each other? I've also come to realize that in the larger scheme of things, the little things don't matter. Getting a bad grade isn't the end of your life. That little awkward moment you had with someone? They probably don't remember it. Girls State and MITY this summer has done wonders for my confidence. I can be independent, and I have the power to do what I want.

I'm excited to go into this year and live out a motto: YOLO
02 April 2013 @ 11:07 pm
Dear Pottercast,

I thank you for finally giving me closure on what happened to the podcast. I knew that it was over, but I needed to know what happened. It's like having a tv series cancelled without having anybody tell you it got cancelled. I'm not upset - I was upset years ago when you guys stopped putting out episodes, but I eventually got over it.

You were one of my first loves, Pottercast. I remember always turning to Pottercast when I was upset or lonely. Melissa, John, Sue, and Frak were my quirky friends who talked about things I actually liked. They were always there on my iPod when no one else was there for me. I could always count on Pottercast to lighten my mood after listening.

So thank you, Pottercast.